Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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