i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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