I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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