i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
