I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
