Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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