i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
