If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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