a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just gargled with NyQuil
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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