Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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