I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
