The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
