There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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