you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
