I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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