so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
