need another drink. this is the easiest way
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
