I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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