GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
