Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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