My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
