his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
