if i can run in heels then i can drive
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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