I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize