So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
