Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
