the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
