it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
