you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
