Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
it was like eating out sand paper
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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