Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
