I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
