I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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