Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
