You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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