:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
