Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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