Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
