I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize