I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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