Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
