your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
