Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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