saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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