i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
