the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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