I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
ok first of all what the fuck
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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