I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
