I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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