I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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