you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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