what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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