Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm too high and old for this...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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