and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
