we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
