Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
