I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
