love makes seman taste better
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
